jahbulon

I know this isnt punctually correct but at the time it just happened.. I came across it again last nite, couldnt shake the feeling to post it, no matter how quirky it is. good luck...and thanks for reading. I feel; with heart and soul I live. A victim of my own conditioning and ego, I strive to be better, to get there…But again I am struck with the fear of the visual that is laid out before me, I see with my eyes and not with my heart, the world has been laid out to the standards of a Milton Bradly talk show. Five o clock in the fucking morning, again… no damn idea whats gong on, one minute you think you know, everyone seems to be jiving , nobody getting riled up or nothing, the next you’ve come to find your self lost, waking up from another dream, suddenly realizing this twisted reality has come into place while you were away. Cant say as Ive been here, or that I know whats the right or wrong path to take, all I know is everyday is confusion, chaos, conformity to some lay of the land rules made up by a bunch of people who think they know whats best for me. That gets a little hard to deal with now and again, but I cope. I sense a higher force navigating me, its hard to explain. Trying to extend myself to the ideologies of this lifeforce, or whatever it is breathing throughout us, and around us,to bring it to conception, is nearly impossible given the scope of the emotion it would take to relate it to the norm. I live in this life a delusional being, already penned in by this society as suffering from mild psychosis, due to my unfortunate encounter(yeah right) with drugs; specifically the personalities of the entheogenic species. I wonder so much if the thoughts I have aren’t really some spill over of too much drug use or drinking or whatever, if my lack of conformity stems specifically from some events in my life, psychologically affecting me beyond my control. I mean what if the choices we have out there in the world are truly what there are, and nothing else. You must live life by a specific set of rules, beyond those natural common sense things, what if this is all there is, and our millennia of existence is just some interstellar accident. Randomness somehow carrying us through the cosmos, even ruling out the idea of one entity, makes this place feel sorta cold. Once I get spinning on this subject I slap myself in the head and remind myself that my mode of thinking is something that has always been there, before the drugs, before any reading of conspiracy material, my mental persona has always been out of bounds for lack of a better term. My curiosity is something I cannot ignore, the paths I am guided down, I am guided down for a reason, ignoring that pull, only creates pain. But never the less, it happens, suddenly its back in my face, the life laid out here for us all. When I get up every morning, drive to work, following all the other sheep, when I drive home, make dinner and turn on the news, when my routine becomes so that I begin to lose track of weeks and days. I remember the calendar. Who the hell created all these days, do you have any idea how much man has messed with the calendar over our time here, cause I sure as hell don’t. My whole life is tangents, sentences started never finished, thoughts reeling through my head never to be portrayed, resting soley to these bones, this brain. I feel in my heart something I am trying to come to terms with, a sense of home and wonder, love, and warmth, but so much of my physically raised logically conditioned mind has to fight with me about what isn’t right before my face. It is a battle, there is no greater battle than the one fought with the self. Trying to overcome these mankind qualities of ego and competitiveness, my traditional side pulling on the last remaining strings of religion, and an unsurpassed obsession with symbolism and the mythological structures of thought and deity. I know in the past others have delved themselves into the land of thought, today, now is not many, its almost looked on as a past time activity, an extra thing to do to make up credits in school and not really extend yourself. The few today that do leap into the bounds of mind, the ones who are not afraid to channel that energy of the unknowne through them, are experiencing a surge in consciousness like no other in history, the ones truly allowing themselves to be open to the force of life which flows within us all. We truly live in a world where nothing is certain, these great books weve followed through time could lead to our very demise, the amount of secrets that are in our world is overwhelming, the realization of these horrors is one of our most important roles, not living in fear and anger, denying ourselves what we need. Beings set as far as we are into this game of life, cannot cut off our ties with the world and hide. We may never fully understand why or how the forces that be brought us here so we in a sense must become chamealeon like within this illusion, living two distinct lives, or rather one life, two faces…We have a responsibility to those we have traveled with, our time will come, you must stay and patiently perform your tasks. Chaos rests within the mind, that focus of attention lies there as well, the elements inside us which feel this force around, must live within as hidden as the theys of the world. Find your focus, find the sensation to your microcosmos, allow yourself to unfurl, listen to what time has to tell you, silence your self, and feel the air, hear the ground, and sense the life around you, listen with your inner self, live intuitively, feel your way through not looking, but listening to the veil of this lie slip away, and feeling the sensations of true divination coming into us. The outcome is written, the experience is needed, like the pain of the mother pushing forth her child to the world, our pain will be signifigant, but so so so nothing to whats to come when the pain has washed away, the quickening of the now moment, that silly little theory that something big is around the corner, people will wake up, enough to effect the conscience whole, setting into motion the prison keepers self destruction. There is so much more beyond the physical, so much more beyond death…there is nothing to fear, your only feeling their fear of losing, and the breaking away of all that is hardened on your soul. Relax and feel the rush of life inside yourself, allow it in to connect to its universal rhythm and take off into a re setteling of your old know hows, and feel the pull of a true home, and true life. Just breath and let go, spiral in to our inevitable destination of soul; and our merging realities; follow your heart back to your loves and self, know this that they are always a part of you, always there, linked from worlds apart at times, but always there inside. The whole of the conciousness you’ve met, getting back on the same ship together, divine like in thought, but individual in personality. Jason brizendine 52502