The Unknown Punker

Diamond Dave showcasing the magic from back in the day

Fri, 15 Feb 2008 12:40:31 -0800

Ever wonder what David Lee Roth sounds like without the rest of Van Halen there to back him up? Of course you do.

Here's "Runnin' With The Devil" the way it was meant to be heard:

MP3: runnin_with the_devil.mp3

The 20 Worst Album Titles of All Time

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 14:48:51 -0800

The 20 Worst Album Titles of All Time
By Dustin Glick, Jason Newman
(lovingly lifted from Cracked)

Why are CD sales plummeting year after year? It's not because iTunes is so much better; it's because some of the album titles were so retarded we were ashamed to be overheard asking for them.

Don't believe us? Imagine yourself walking up to the counter and asking if they have a copy of...

#20. C-Murder - The Truest Shit I Ever Said

After sales of Don't Believe Any of This Shit, They All Lies came in less than expected, the New Orleans rapper flipped his style up with this album.

C-Murder's newfound commitment to complete honesty and transparency in his rap operation actually began a couple of years earlier, when he apparently decided he could not refer to himself as "C-Murder" unless he shot a guy. He's currently serving life in prison, though it appears to be in one of those prisons where you're still allowed to record rap albums.

#19. Fall Out Boy - Fall Out Boy' Evening Out with Your Girlfriend

OK, we're thinking your girlfriend would be pretty safe with Fall Out Boy. Maybe they'd steal her makeup and read bad poetry about how difficult it is to be famous. After returning from her "Evening Out," we're thinking she'd love you twice as much for the mere fact that you can make it through dinner without crying three times.

If the situation arises, we'd strongly recommend letting your girl spend an evening with Fall Out Boy rather than, say, Tommy Lee.

#18. The Kinks - The Kinks are the Village Green Preservation Society

As Wikipedia puts it, the awkward album title was intended "as a gentle homage to English hamlet life, and by extension, to the innocence and idealization of past times and people." Are you rocking yet? It would be one thing if the title was meant to be an ironic contrast to the scrotum-grinding guitar anthems on the album. Instead this rocks about as hard as, well, if a Village Green Preservation Society actually put out an album.

We have to give them credit, though. It seems like they put too much thought into the title and ended up with something with so many layers of irony that it only made sense to them. But, too much thought is certainly preferable to ...

#17. Madonna/311 - Music

First, we already knew it was music, Madonna. We found it in a music store. Second, the band 311 already named an album Music a few years before. Maybe they were going for a "so lame it's cool" title but if so, that's not the sort of thing you can do twice.

No, this reminds us more of the generic brands they used to have at the grocery store, white cans that just said "beer" in black, block letters and tasted like it had been used to bathe a dog just prior to canning. Usually when the creators of the product can barely be bothered to name it, it probably is not the result of loving, diligent craftsmanship.

#16. Fiona Apple - When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You'll Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You Know That You're Right

This one definitely wins the Most Pretentious award. Officially the longest album title, ever, this is actually a poem written in response to some bad press Fiona got and, we're thinking, probably deserved.

As the saying goes, revenge is best served by making your next album title a complete laughing stock that sounds like something an unfunny high-school punk band would do "just to piss people off."

#15. Toby Keith - Shock'n Y'all

It's entirely possible the terrorists could make a propaganda film depicting a stereotypical ignorant American, and accidentally wind up with Toby Keith. This album title sums him up in three syllables, mocking a phrase used to describe the initial phase of the war on Iraq.

Of course, Toby wasn't actually "shock'n" any of us, not to mention all of us. Shocking would be if he made an album with a clever title, or one called Move On Dot Orgasm or Marry Me, Sean Penn.

#14. Kansas - Point of Know Return

What does this even mean? Is this album the point where the band knows it sucks so much it can never make another good album again? Is this the point where a musician's mind degrades to the point it loses all ability to know anything ever again?

This one sounds like the band had five minutes to submit an album title and thought of the first word that had two different spellings.

#13. Keith Murray - Rap-Murr-Phobia (The Fear Of Real Hip-Hop)

You know your album title is bad when you need to put the meaning in parenthesis after it. It seems like the title is a take on the word rapperphobia, with "Murr" from "Murray" stuck in there. Perhaps Murray meant to suggest that while rapperphobia means "a fear of hip-hop," rapmurrphobia just means a fear of real hip-hop, which of course is generated in plenty by Mr. Murray. Perhaps he means that the perpetrators of fake or weak hip-hop have a condition where they are afraid of so-called real rappers like himself due to his ability to bring the raw shit they love on the streets.

These are all things that might be worth pondering, if only the title didn't sound like something mispronounced by Mushmouth from Fat Albert.

#12. Squeeze - Cosi Fan Tutti Frutti

How do you manage to make a Mozart reference in your title (it' a play on the Mozart opera "Cosi fan tutte") and still come off sounding about as intellectual as Weird Al Yankovic? Look no further than the cover art, which features: a tea cozy (Cosi… close enough!) a fan and a dessert called Tutti Frutti.

Put it all together and you've got an album that looks like it was named and designed by a panel of kindergarteners. If only all artists looked to the Brain Buster round of Think Fast for album title inspiration.

#11. Elton John - Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy

We can't put our finger on it, but there' something wrong about this one. There's nothing overtly filthy about it. It's like Elton John's effort to root out any homophobia in our subconscious.

Sure, the album is really about Elton' early career with his writer Bernie Taupin, who is the Brown Dirt Cowboy because he lives on a ranch and probably likes riding horses and roping steers. But since most people don't know that, it just sounds like a night in Elton John' life that most of us just didn't want to know about.

#10. The Butthole Surfers - Hairway to Steven

Talk about letting your music do the talking! They've got a terrible band name, and to stay with that theme, they've managed to spew out some of the most horrendous album titles of all time. In addition to Hairway to Steven, an apparent homage to some guy's love patch, we have:

Locust Abortion Technician
Psychic … Powerless … Another Man's Sac
Rembrandt Pussyhorse
Piouhgd

When it comes time to hand out a Lifetime Achievement Award, not only will the Butthole Surfers win, but we'll likely wind up naming the award after them.

#9. Cher - Not.Com.mercial

Cher released this online-only album of her less commercial work, apparently to slake the Web community' thirst for an edgier, more personal album from someone who only sounds good when she' singing through a synthesizer.

But, lest they think she was just an out-of-touch old lady looking to capitalize on a trend she didn't understand, she gave it a hip, Internet-savvy title. If only that title didn't translate to "Not Dot Com Dot Mercial" when read aloud in the language she was attempting to speak.

#8. Deep Purple — Purpendicular

C'mon Deep Purple. We thought it was bad when you were coming out with album titles like Come Taste the Band, but now you're not even trying. We know it' 28 years into your career but you'd think you'd have gotten all the "purple" puns out of your system by now.

How about Purplexed Purpetual Purpetrators? Is that enough for you? Do you think we get it by now? PURPLE. Yes, that word is in your band name.

#7. Salt-n-Pepa - A Salt With a Deadly Pepa

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted! This album title is basically that joke but 400 times worse.

And what kind of hip-hop crime is that? Assault with a deadly pepper? What kind of pepper is deadly? Maybe a really super hot pepper could be slipped into someone' food but it probably wouldn't really be assault unless you physically stuffed the pepper down their throat. Or if you were attacking a baby. You could probably do some serious damage to a newborn with a plain old green pepper.

Neither of those scenarios really screams "street cred" to us, however, so maybe it's time for Salt-N-Pepa to stop taking cues from walking bad pun DJ Spinderella when naming their albums.

#6. Mustard Plug - Skapocalypse Now!

No genre is more prone to awful album titles than ska, especially the 18th generation Sublime ripoffs. They have the grating habit of taking a single phrase or pop-culture reference with a syllable that remotely sounds like the word "ska" and cramming the word "ska" in there instead. Try to make your own, it's fun. Just off the top of our head:

Nurse, Bring Me A Ska-lpal
Rocky vs. Skapollo Creed
Ska-tom Bomb: Hiro-ska-ma and Naga-ska-ki

#5. Public Enemy - How You Sell Soul To A Soulless People Who Sold Their Soul?

First of all, that' not even a question, so we're not sure where the question mark came from. It reads more like the title of an insanely specific how-to article written by Satan.

Also, every time we hear it, it makes us think of eBay: "Excuse me, are you looking to buy a soul on eBay? Because the top soul seller has sold several souls including your soulless soul. Oh, you say your soul was stolen? Well, eBay is not solely responsible for stolen souls sold. For more info on our policy regarding the online store' stolen souls sold scroll below."

#4. Genesis - From Genesis to Revelation

And, the Lord said "Let there be prog," and so it was, and it was good. Then the Lord' creation made an album with a cheesy title taken from the Lord' book, and the Lord said to his band "Why hath thou made such a cheesily titled LP? Thou didn't listen to Commandment 11: Thou shalt not fall back on bad puns or lame wordplay when out of ideas."

Yet, the Lord forgiveth Genesis, and let them sell millions of albums. However, He will never forgive Phil Collins for "Sussudio."

#3. John Oates - Phunk Shui

Wow. If the "other guy" in Hall and Oates wanted to make a name for himself, mission accomplished with this quasi-turn of phrase that teeters on the precipice of coherence.

We all know it' spelled "phunk" because he was the more hip-hop of the two, but what does this title even mean? Can rearranging your objects make you more funky? Or is "Phunk Shui" accomplished by moving this album from your living room stereo to the sidewalk five stories down?

#2. R. Kelly - Chocolate Factory

Since R. Kelly isn't 5 years old, we're going to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume "chocolate factory" is not referring to his butthole. And we sure as hell, on a site as dignified as ours, are not going to point out that we've seen his "lemonade gun" in action.

So maybe the "chocolate factory" reference is completely innocent. Maybe R. Kelly sees himself as a sort of Willy Wonka, figuratively escorting children around his chocolate ... uh ...

OK, that' much, much worse. Perhaps we should just move on.

#1. Limp Bizkit - Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water

OK, maybe we were wrong about the "moving on" thing. Only one title could beat out the mental image of R. Kelly's chocolate factory. This is the Sgt. Pepper' of horrible album titles.

It' also the exact kind of obnoxious, childish nonsense you could expect from a bunch of grown-up, high-school bully dirt bags. And in case you're confused, "chocolate starfish" is a reference to buttholes. Oh Fred, you're hilarious! Almost as funny as when you named a song "Nookie" just so you had something to rhyme with "cookie." Or, maybe it was the other way around.

It' so bad, you'd swear Fred and company came up with it just to be the best at something. Well, congrats, guys.

D-E-V-O

Fri, 23 Nov 2007 06:26:47 -0800

Bowling! Oi!

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 12:32:12 -0800

The 7 Most Gruesome Rock 'N' Roll Legends (And Whether They're True) #3

Mon, 05 Nov 2007 10:59:19 -0800

found this over at cracked.com here's #3:

The 7 Most Gruesome Rock 'N' Roll Legends (And Whether They"re True)
By Mike Swaim

Mick Jagger's Goes to Mars

The legend:

Mick "the rooster" Jagger was caught during a drug bust eating a Mars Bar from between the legs of Marianne Faithfull, as well as nude in bed with effeminate rocker David Bowie. And, he was caught by Bowie's wife, no less.

Why it grosses us out:

Now picture that, but without any clothes on. Yeah. That' why.

Why we still hope it's true:

We like our rockers like we like our parents: androgynous and sex-crazed. Jagger eating a candy bar out of someone's cooch is alright, but ultimately just another entry in the pantheon of "rockers have so much sex they get bored with it and do crazy shit" stories. Add in some Bowie-humping, though, and you've got rock-legend magic.

The only thing that could make it better would be if Prince had filmed the whole thing and the tape leaked to the Internet, revealing Bowie in full makeup and demanding to be called "Major Tom." We can dream, can't we?

Yeah, but is it:

In a happy twist of fate for lovers of bizarre celebrity behavior, the Mars Bar bit is a definite no, but the Bowie-banging may actually have some truth to it. Police did bust in on Jagger and Faithfull looking for drugs, but reported no sexual activity other than the fact that Faithfull was naked except for a large blanket. By rock standards, she might as well have been in a burka.

As for the latter incident, Bowie's wife detailed it on an episode of Joan Rivers' radio show, but later claimed that the men weren't having sex, just nude in bed, which, you know, is totally normal.

The 7 Most Gruesome Rock 'N' Roll Legends (And Whether They're True) #2

Sun, 28 Oct 2007 22:46:58 -0700

found this over at cracked.com here's #2:

The 7 Most Gruesome Rock 'N' Roll Legends (And Whether They"re True)
By Mike Swaim

KISS' Comic Book Petri Dish

The legend:
KISS, in one of the more ridiculous marketing gimmicks of the last 50 years, mixed vials of their own blood into the red ink used to color the blood for the first issue of Marvel's KISS comic series.

Why it grosses us out:
KISS isn't exactly the model of sexual restraint. Their blood would probably be more valuable at a clinic documenting the evolution of various strands of STDs since the '70s, and less valuable staining our finger tips. We'll stick with our Whitesnake coloring book, thank you very much.

Why we still hope it's true:
No one does zany, goofy, ultimately innocuous horror like KISS, and what better manifestation of that than mixing their blood with comic book ink? Yes, they're bleeding, but at some point that blood is going to be mixed with the palm-sweat of a thousand chubby sixteen-year-olds as they read about Ace and Gene battling space-pirates with their righteous riffs.

Really, the only way this can be considered hardcore is if you assume-as we do-that the blood was not extracted by a needle, but rather sopped up from the floor after the guys rolled in bacon fat and waded through a trough of alligators.

Yeah, but is it:
Absolutely. KISS flew to Marvel's inking facility in between tour stops and dumped vials of blood into the red-ink vat. Not only is there a picture of it happening, but it was witnessed by a notary public and subject to a signed contract. Comic fans are apparently very particular about the validity of their blood-infused inks. You can now rest assured that if you see someone licking a KISS comic, they are either a vampire or a huge freak.

The 7 Most Gruesome Rock 'N' Roll Legends (And Whether They're True)

Fri, 26 Oct 2007 09:18:16 -0700

found this over at Cracked.com, here's #1:

The 7 Most Gruesome Rock 'N' Roll Legends (And Whether They"re True)
By Mike Swaim

Stevie Nicks, easily the most bangable member of Fleetwood Mac, was at one time so tolerant to the effects of cocaine use that in order to achieve a healthy, atomic-grade high she had to have it blown up her rectum.

Why it grosses us out:
Because people who snort cocaine nasally spend approximately 90 percent of their time wiping their constantly running noses. If the legend is true, things don't look good for that awesome dragon chair she' sitting on.

Why we still hope it's true:
Aside from giving us reason to discuss Stevie Nicks' ass in social situations, it would be the most hardcore thing anyone's done with their body since that dude at Lollapalooza hung a bowling ball off his dong.

Shoving cocaine up your ass is extra-strength crazy, unless of course it's your source of livelihood (apologies to any drug mules who may have been offended). As an added bonus, it could be considered an anthropological throwback to the Mayans, who used to imbibe alcohol through their rectal lining via beer douches. Tastes great and less filling! Not that you'll notice.

Yeah, but is it:
Nicks most certainly blew the blow, and it is biologically feasible that one could get high by reverse-farting cocaine, but we still find the claim pretty dubious. She has publicly denied it, which could be taken as proof either way. If someone at work started spreading a rumor that at last year' Christmas party, you snorted cocaine through your sphincter, would you dignify it with an on-the-record denial?

As far as the official record is concerned, the field remains wide open for a CRACKED reader brave enough to claim the title "first person to take cocaine anally." Get to it!

PUNK ROCK RECORD SWAP THIS SUNDAY 07/29 in BERKELEY!!

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 10:41:07 -0700

Huge selection of classic to modern punk rock/hardcore/metal/pop punk etc. from over a dozen vendors. Come pick up some new or old vinyl records, cd's, t-shirts, cassettes etc.

Misfits '82

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 20:52:11 -0700

The Clash '78

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 17:20:30 -0700