Miss Bella

vacation is all I ever wanted....la la la laaaaaaaa

Sat, 02 Aug 2008 09:52:34 -0700

I seem to do these blogs every time I leave somewhere which I'm discovering is not enough. *pencils in more traveling into plan book*.

Anyways, I'm off to Portland till the 12th.

Have a good week ya'll ;)

awesome live cover

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 02:33:29 -0700

This was under favorites on the official Madonna YouTube Page.
I don't blame her.

The Justice Tour
4 Minutes to Save the World
Los Angeles, CA
4/15/08

No idea who's who except Tom Morello on guitar and Davey Havok of AFI doing lead vocals. And Travis Barker on drums!

How freaking amazing is this!? I wish I was there!

stop!

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 13:30:10 -0700

So it's pretty apparent that a lot of you have found some issues with the ranking system and whatnot. It's great that you all care and want everything to be fair. No problem there. But seriously, must 5 out of 10 Top 10 blogs be about the same issue and the topic continued?! You all said yourself that the site is for music listening and promoting and fans communicating, but do you really think you're allowing this to happen by complaining in blogs which show up at the top? Great stuff for new users to see when they first sign up huh?

Why not PM one another or whatever and combine views and suggestions which you all listed in those 5 (I'm sure there is more) blogs and have 1 person organize it and send it to the Fuzz team for them to see?

Honestly, we all care about this issue, but it really doesn't have to be thrown in our faces by the same people every time we are on the site and I feel that is exactly what is happening. Whenever anything happens everyone freaks out and starts talking only about that one issue. There are more positive aspects to everything, you complaining about it in every single blog is not going to help.

I hope you consider what I said and see my point.

Good Day,
- B

Can't you see I'm crossing?

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 19:17:32 -0700

In all my blog rants (and I rant about the weirdest shit ever) I never expected to rant about moron drivers, pedestrians and cops in our lovely city of San Francisco.
Well here we freaking go. So I'm in the car with the mother and we are on Geary (pretty main street in the Richmond District) and she's going about 20 on this busy car filled street. We are almost at a crosswalk where this dude was almost crossing. He makes a stop, but we still go slow just in case he decides to walk out of nowhere. We get closer and he's still standing there. So we slowly pass him as he begins to speed up and walk faster. Anyways, we got to pass and so did he. Deals done.
Then this cop pulls us over and writes my mom a ticket for not letting the pedestrian have his right of way. The dude freaking stopped! And there were cars behind, so coming to a complete stop when it wasn't needed wouldn't have been safe. Anyways, that's what's up.
IT GETS WORSE...
After we do our thing, I'm like two blocks away and I'm crossing on a green light and this douche runs a red and completely doesn't stop even though he's looking straight at me. He was like 2 inches away from me. This results in some chick driving by and asking me if I'm okay.

Yeah I'm okay even though he almost hit me, but I'm freaking pissed off that no cop was there to see that. There were like 20 of them all around and none just happened to be there for me. Great, I feel super safe!

say no to meat?

Wed, 25 Jun 2008 02:09:25 -0700

I kinda wanted to be a vegan before, but I can't even keep a diet without bread or sugar...so that never worked out.

I know a couple of people who are vegan and vegetarian and their reasons are pretty much a) because it's cruel to animals and b) meat is nasty.

Well I just wanted to know from any of you who don't eat meat why you don't eat it and what it means to you? Or if you were to stop eating meat, what your reasons would be?

The future: would you?

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 03:06:44 -0700

Today's movie night pick was Next with Nicolas Cage. It was actually really good and had a twisted ending. Totally not what you'd expect. Go rent it.

It had to do with seeing into the future and it made me realize that it would be super cool, but hella weird to actually be able to do that.

So I ask you...
Would you want to take a look into your own future? If you could choose any time frame and make it be as little as a 30 second preview? Why or why not? Is it the same with your whole life or only with certain subjects and situations?

Keep in mind though, "here is the thing about the future. Every time you look at, it changes, because you looked at it, and that changes everything else."

my summer LOWlight

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 02:21:55 -0700

If you live in the bay area you may have heard of BFD which is hosted each year by Live 105.
Well this year...IT SUCKED!
Tickets were $10.53 and there were about 30 bands AND NO MAIN STAGE. Past acts included Social D, AFI, Bloc Party, Queens of the Stone Age and on and on and on.
I looked forward to this event starting every January when they would start talking about this. I had the best times at BFD. It was the highlight of my summer. Good music, sun and a chill vibe. It was great.

My friend Tom Anger, who once used to be a DJ for the station posted a bulletin on MySpace today and I have to say I was very sad when I read it.

"I am not at BFD today. Kind of sad really. I have been to every one for the past 13 or 14 years or so but this lineup does not even kinda tickle the hairs of my bum. Some really great bands on there yeah, but they are bands that have played every warped tour since birth and why make a 3rd warp tour when we already have 2 this summer.

Sad that a once great show has turned into this. It seems cool that ticket prices are so low but its all a scam because booths start at $10,000 each and up, Stage sponsors are $100,000 and up. They make more money trying to stick ads in your face then they do selling tickets so its not about being cool to the concert goer. They just wanted to sell out to sell you shit not caring about the quality of music they provide. People will go because its cheap, not because the bands are shoreline worthy. I got told off once for saying people looked bored at BFD after we got rid of all those fun extras we used to have like sumo suit rings and Velcro walls. Some CBS big shot got pissed and said that's good because they check out the sponsor booths that way....yeah, thats what music is about.

And Subsonic tent....wahahahaha, yeah, one DJ is cheaper then a whole band but thats just sad. Bring back the show if your gonna pull that shit.

The only good thing about Live 105 these days are the DJs and morning show who are sticking it out there through the hard times of corporate greed. If your going today, buy them a beer for putting up with so much shit to share their passion for music with you."

I was only thinking of going because it's cheap. He's right. Everything is turning into advertising and making money. I'm scared to see what will go down next year.

I also didn't go and if this crap continues I won't go next year or the year after. :(

load of rubbish

Tue, 13 May 2008 13:31:52 -0700

I read something today that got me completely pissed off to the point where I wanted to rip the book in half and throw it out the window. For my Leisure and Lifestyle class we were assigned to read The Four Agreements

Now if you have ever heard of The Secret this is pretty much the same thing. All about how positive thoughts will get you anywhere and everything you want.

The four agreements are these:
Be impeccable with your word.
Don't take anything personally.
Don't make assumptions.
Always do your best.

Ok that's all great. I was on the second chapter/agreement in the book and I came to this:

"Whatever people do, feel, think, or say, don't take it personally. If they tell you how wonderful you are, they are not saying that because of you. You know you are wonderful. It is not necessary to believe other people who tell you that you are wonderful. Don't take anything personally. Even if someone got a gun and show you in the head, it was nothing personal. Even at that extreme. Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore, you don't need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally."

This is where I want to slap someone. The chapter/agreement before this talks about how we should watch what we say and how our words affect other people (example in the book - A woman has the biggest headache and tells her daughter with an amazing voice to shut up and that her voice is bad and the daughter never sings again because she believes her voice really is ugly, but the mother just said that because she was grumpy from a headache.)

So tying all this back to one another...
If you don't take anything personally in the first place, why the hell does it matter if we DON'T watch what we say? I can go around telling you you're fat and ugly however many times I want and that's OK because you shouldn't be taking it personally in the first place!

So how does that even work together?! Those two agreements cancel one another out!

"Even if someone got a gun and show you in the head, it was nothing personal. Even at that extreme."
Are you kidding me? So you're saying 911 wasn't personal and Hitler had nothing personal against Jews? Is that really what the message is!? <---THIS IS NOT MY ATTEMPT TO START A DISCUSSION ABOUT WHO WAS WRONG OR RIGHT IN THESE CASES. Just trying to blow up the picture to further my point.

"Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore, you don't need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally."
Again, MY thoughts aren't even true? So what I think about myself when you tell me I'm ugly doesn't matter? Then how can I not take what you say personally?????

Seriously, if MY own thoughts aren't really true, and I shouldn't listen to you because you don't really mean anything you say...THEN WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE? I mean I'm OK with not giving a shit about what you think, but that's only because I think I'M right and nothing else matters and now you tell me MY thoughts are wrong too?

I'm only on the second agreement and I hate this dumbass book.
Is this really the secret for a better life?! It doesn't even make sense!!!!

Waste of money/paper/publishing and everyone's time.

untitled

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 03:14:46 -0700

I put on my long black jacket. I don't wear that thing often because the thin material does nothing for my freezing self. Sticking my hand in the pocket I feel nothing but old paper crumbled on the bottom.
I look at them and realize that they are old bus passes I have failed to throw away. Standing there for about two minutes, I examine the stubs and am shocked by how old they are. Some are as old as three years, while some are fairly recent. This is when the memories come rushing back.

Tuesday, Feb 21, 2006 - The day of my parent's _________.
Monday Dec 26, 2005 - Winter break and still not over ______.
Tuesday, Aug 2 2007 - Ten days before _____ and I got together.
Wednesday April 18th, 2007 - Gretta and I were on our way to _____.
Friday March 16, 2005 - A couple days before I lost ______.

This made me sad...
So many things that passed. So many things done wrong. So many chances not taken.

And at the same time...
So many new beginnings. So many new decisions. So many realizations. So much better.

Honestly, I think it's dumb to dwell on the past, but at the same time that's what I do. I can never seem to let go. I could never just accept and move on. I always think about what would happen if it was different - If we hung out the next day. If I kept in contact with her. If I didn't let him get to me. If I never told anyone.

Seeing these old passes, thinking about the dates and how my life has changed since then, I realized I'm excited for the future and there are no fill in the blanks because I'm not going to regret anything.

April 5-7, 2008 - Finally seeing Blaqk Audio and Ryan's birthday
May 20, 2008 - Getting my licence
June 28, 2008 - My 19th.
August 28, 2008 - Moving out and starting sophmore year

and much much more that I want and will do.

With that being said, I'm throwing the old passes away and leaving the regrets behind. Yes, just like that, because everything I really need to be happy is right in front of me.

Kiss me where the sun don't shine, the past was yours, the future's mine.

woman sat on toilet for 2 years straight.

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 11:28:17 -0700

What zi hell!?

"Now this is bizarre news. A woman in Wichita, KS, stayed in the bathroom for two years because she was scared to leave. She lived with her boyfriend and he said that one day she went into the bathroom, and refused to come out. She stayed there and her boyfriend would bring her clothes and meals into the bathroom, where she would also shower, and apparently sleep. He would come into visit her and converse with her, according to the breaking news story. Apparently the woman had some kind of phobia brought on by a tough childhood. The bizarre news report said that paramedics were called after her boyfriend noticed that she did not seem to be responding well. She was lethargic, and non conversant.

When firefighters got there, they could not remove her from the toilet seat. Apparently her skin had grown around it, and they had to take her, toilet seat and all, to the hospital for its removal. She was not a willing patient, and did not cooperate with the paramedics or hospital staff. According to the bizarre news report on CNN, she has an infection in her legs, and may lose the function of them, spending the rest of her life in a wheelchair."

"Phobia brought on by tough childhood"??? Was she not allowed to use the bathroom or something???

Her boyfriend stayed with her through this, seriously?

And what did she do all day!? Count the tile!?!

People are truly bizarre....

Triple Zero.

Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:22:47 -0700

She said "don’t wanna work I wanna play and live my life like it was Sunday!
The only problem is that Sunday only comes now once a week and I'm a freak but..."

How many times do you promise yourself that you'll do something that you never actually end up doing on time?

Yeah, I have that problem. I say I'll do lots of things. Clean my desk, look for a job, see an adviser at school and much much more.

Honestly, I set these goals for myself that I complete a month late and they don't even matter by then anymore. I even wrote this entry a day after I wanted to.

Soon this habit will lead to more important things that I will procrastinate on and will potentially screw up my life for good. I realize this now, I really do. I put off doing homework, calling the dentist, printing something out, calling back a family member and even peeing until the VERY last minute when I feel like I'm gonna die!

I'm scared that soon that will turn into not cleaning up, not paying the bills or anything else that is far more serious and has longer lasting effects. It might even affect my social life, and that's not something I can allow. I must work harder on accomplishing my goals.

We had a discussion last week in my "Leisure Lifestyle" class about how you should always be true to yourself. We were told to "be impeccable with your word" for that one day. I was sitting there being totally into it and planned everything I wanted to do that day.

I found myself sitting in my seat again two days later saying "oh shit" because I realized I had totally forgotten about being impeccable as soon as I walked out of class. How very ME. Great Job, way to go!

For the last three days I've been doing everything I laid off. Ok fine! I ditched class Wednesday cause I didn't finish an assignment (turning it in after not being there looks better than coming unprepared). And I did put off Bio study questions to this morning in the car and NO I still have not called the dentist, BUT I did look for a job, returned calls and am about to go clean my desk so I will be able to relax and not think about anything UNTIL Sunday night rolls up and I still have that assignment to turn in on Monday! Damnit.

She said "I wanna run, I wanna hide, and leave this place just like it left me!

The only problem is I need to find the balls to follow through and that's the truth but..."

Lie to yourself and remain alone.

Thu, 28 Feb 2008 17:07:56 -0800

An interesting web of thoughts were produced in my head today as I left the women's restroom at school.
As I closed the door to the stall, the words "It's your life, are you who you wish to be?" written in large print taking up half the space caught my eye.

I had a brief time to think and have come to realize that even though I have about a million more things to learn and discover that will expand my horizons and most likely change my perspective on a lot of things, I am who I want to be internally. I must say it's actually the first time I have felt this way in a while.

It all goes back to the early years of high school where I was referred to as "goth" and there wasn't a single person who did not know that I liked AFI. This made people think they had a right to criticize what they didn't know. They all seriously thought I was the very definition of weird and always assumed I had something to bitch about.
Let me be the one to tell you now that all of that was not true and just because I didn't do stupid or listen to rap doesn't make me a bad person. Ok, so I liked to wear black and looked good in in, so what!? Honestly, it irritates me when people talk shit about things they have no idea about. It got better over the years and I think that's because my style changed and I became a somewhat more confident person in myself. I just hope they all have learned what real goths look like and hit themselves in the face after realizing I wasn't even close.

Point is, life after high school is amazing because there's no one to tell you how to run your own life. Seriously, no one cares whether or not I wear my pink pants or ripped jeans, what shirt I'm wearing or what music I listen to. I say what I want, when I want and in any form I want. I'm free to think and feel what I want and not what you or anyone else thinks I should feel. I feel like I can do anything if I just try and that to me is a sign that I'm who I want myself to be.
It's great. And that's how it should be. But I guess that's what you get when you spend 4 years in a private Jew school. Expand your horizons people!

Oh, but before I left the stall I also couldn't help but notice "Why do you waste your time writing this shit? Just take a piss already!" on the other wall and discarded these thoughts from my head.

So think about it, are you who you wish to be?

self indulgence indeed.

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 14:37:53 -0800

Judging from Jimmy Urine's obnoxious vocals, one would expect a somewhat energetic maybe even crazy performance, but seriously...you have no idea. I saw them perform in an outdoor setting in the beaming sun and it was seriously one of the best shows I've ever seen. The crowd loves them and nothing will take your eyes away from the band's crazy on stage antics, as they run around, throw hot dog buns at the crowd and use more profanity than Eminem can ever dream of.
I almost died at that show from all the pushing and shoving, but it was so damn worth it.
Now I'm going again...this time in a closed ballroom setting, but this time I'm not forgetting my helmet.

Oral Cummunication will save your life...or not?

Tue, 12 Feb 2008 11:27:10 -0800

I've just started college and through all of these general studies (a.k.a waste of time) I've found a class I actually enjoy. One of the reasons for it being that it starts at 9:35am instead of 8:10am like the ones I'm not particularly fond of. The class consists of about 22 people and we are all divided into groups. I tend to think my group is amazing. We work well together and everyones opinion matters. I actually enjoy the hour fifteen minutes I spend with them.
A scary, somewhat irrational thought ran through my head in class today. Why not major in Communications? It's something that's always used and good to know.

According to the teacher (who may I add looks like an older version of Courteney Cox) some points of the class are:

- Demonstrating awareness of the complexity of communication in terms of its psychological, social, political, cultural, and ethical dimensions.
- Listening actively and providing constructive feedback.
- Recognizing and articulating issues from your own perspective, while acknowledging the perspectives of others.

I think of myself as being almost excellent in all those areas and more, but hey...we all need some work. :P

Anyways, the dilemma that has occurred in front of me is yeah, sure I can major in this and know everything there is to know about the topic, but won't that make it less interesting to me at the end? Like an overload.

This is the same issue I've had before. I can major in business and become a tour manager like I've wanted and still want to do, but I think I'll start hating the music scene if I dive into the core of it instead of just floating atop and knowing the somewhat true basics.

I don't want to wait till junior year to decide this stuff because it will bother me until then, but I don't want to decide too fast.

Maybe I should just do both. I mean, musicians are a tough crowd to communicate with, you know?!

alien invasion?

Wed, 30 Jan 2008 20:09:10 -0800

prairie dogs are out.
lemurs are in.

and this is why monkeys are amazing...

Tell me that wasn't somewhat creepy.

So I checked out your "music"...

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 15:00:10 -0800

I can honestly say I sat here and listened to all of you who left me 3948548 comments insisting I check you out. Instead of replying to each one of you with nothing good to say, I've combined it here for your reading pleasure. This doesn't apply to those who got individual comments from me today :)

Here we go....

FIRST OFF: You all sound the same. I felt like I was hearing one 20 minute track talking about the same shit when really I was flipping through 4 different people. No one wants to listen to how you are struggling with your career when in fact you got "mad skillz" that no one knows about. We all have our own problems, we don't need to hear yours.
About 3 of you people sounded like the bastard children of The Ying Yang Twins and Ne-Yo on acid. And I could have sworn there was a Soulja Boy crossing in there too. That's a problem that needs to be fixed before anything else.

SECOND: Keep your fucking comment wars on your own pages. I don't care about how someone else thinks he's the shit and you don't agree. Frankly, I HATE both of you and the less I hear or see from you...the better. I think you all suck and you telling me you don't won't change that.

THIRD: (Unlike you, I have the right to say this) I do a ton of stuff on this site and I know who's on it and who I like. If I want to listen to your music I'll do so myself. Don't leave me 50 comments telling me to check out your shit! That's what the "Recommend my Band" button is for. Use it sometime. Telling me your "the hottest shit on the sight" won't get you anywhere, not with me or anyone else.

FOURTH: I can't tell you who to be or what to do, but one thing I do ask is that you don't spam my page with 723642376 "listen to my music" comments.

Have a lovely evening :)

"Tiger escapes at S.F. Zoo, kills 17-year-old visitor."

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 19:25:45 -0800

This happened a while ago...on Christmas, but I still have some things to say...
Ok first off, all these sites need to get the age of the guy right. Was he 17? 18? or over 20? I have read about 6 different articles and still have no idea.

Anyways, so in short...a Siberian tiger named Tatiana (love the name) escaped and attacked one of the three guys outside it's grotto killing him and then injuring the other two. Then the cops came and shot the poor thing. No one knows how the tiger escaped, but everyone is sure it didn't just walk out the little gate door and that it didn't just leap over the 20ft fence. And some sources say the dudes were drunk and were throwing shit at the tiger in the first place.

Personally, I think the fuckers got what was coming. Seriously, if you decide to mess with a tiger...good fucking luck to you.

I only feel bad for poor Tatiana. She was brought there to mate (whoaa, she was freeeaky) and instead ended up getting shot. Now there's only 4 tigers in the whole zoo. There goes a nice Siberian Tiger...thanks, assholes.

Read it here.

And think the next time you're near animals.

C'mon people...it's really NOT THAT hard.

Stealing is a sin.

Mon, 31 Dec 2007 16:34:00 -0800

This is the most random shit I've ever written about, but I just can't get it out of my head.

So I'm on the bus and of course all my change has to fall out of my hoodie. (typical situation...I'm used to it).
I didn't bother picking it up because it was only like a quarter and a dime under the seat but close to the doors.

This asian woman in her late 5o's I would guess saw it all happen and begins to stare at the fallen change and then back at me like 50 times. I ignored her but found it funny that she kept looking at me like I wouldn't notice if she took it. I thought that there was no way she would get up and take that change right in front of me because that would just be too funny.

After another 3 years of looking at me and the change, she gets up to get off and guess what she does?!!! SHE LEANS DOWN AND PICKS UP THE 35 CENTS BEFORE EXITING.

BITCH STOLE MY QUARTER!

I wasn't laughing anymore and thought she was somewhat lame.

But really though...she could have just asked if she could have it!!!
I would have...maybe given it to her!

Teach your kids not to steal from an early age people!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR ;)

this is how i disappear

Mon, 24 Dec 2007 23:51:26 -0800

Based on a very true story…
(finished this a while after...so the end gets boring) Walking away was easier than I thought. Why is it that people spend so much time preparing for a certain moment that when it actually comes they completely forget how to function? In what seemed less like a minute I was out of the carpeted area, walking along the ramp that would lead me to the cold BART station. Everything was fine. I had made it past the sad goodbye and was now on my way out to the heart of the city. You might not believe this, but the best place to feel isolated and deprived is on a BART train. I have seriously examined my life through a magnifying glass while riding BART at least six times this year. It did not take long for me to realize what had just happened. My vision blurred as salty streams of sadness and confusion ran down from my eyes, dripping down to my hands. I suddenly felt completely alone, like everything I had was being taken away from me and the sad part was that there was nothing I could do except sit and stare at the blackness of the tunnel walls peaking into the trains window. The guy sitting a couple of rows in front of me was starring, but that did not stop me. I later saw him praying and for a second felt threatened. If you had seen him, you would have felt the same. Something about him just did not look right. Realizing I had a book with me, I pulled it out and decided to dedicate myself fully to its’ own written sorrows. I needed anything and everything to be a distraction. About 30 minutes later I found myself in a crowded mall with an hour to go before I was to appear at work where I was to put on a happy face and serve a bunch of ignorant people are always too busy talking on their cell phones to make a transaction take less than five minutes. My mind was elsewhere as I walked through crowded bunches of people hurrying to finish the last of their Christmas shopping. I heard nothing of what the bunches of them were saying around me. Their mouthing was uncoordinated with the music coming from my Ipod and I felt as if I was in some bad lip-syncing competition. I kept walking desperately searching for what I had lost earlier that day. My head felt ready to explode and I felt like screaming, except nothing was coming out. I like to believe I had a silent panic attack…if such a thing is even possible. I could tell people noticed by the shocked looks they threw at me. Looking for an escape, I walked into Bloomingdales. The five-inch heels caught my eye from thirty feet away and I could not resist not looking at them. To my surprise all the shoes I saw were extremely ugly and overpriced. Perhaps it was then when I realized that money could not provide anything. If I were to choose between millions of those three-thousand dollar shoes and once again having what I was without I would give up buying shoes all together. They looked ugly and I was disturbed by whoever had made them. Disappointed in what I did not find, I left to work. Time went by slower than ever, as I tended to provide excellent customer service to the snobby clients that filled up the store. For once, I felt something more than annoyance to those people because they filled up my mind with their useless nonsense and helped me get away.

“40.85”
“160.57”
“10. 85”
“Do you want a bag?”
“Hi, thanks for calling Sephora…”
“Sure I can wrap that for you!”
As soon as those stopped coming I was back to being sad. Every time I began to think about the day’s events, my eyes began to water once again. I had to tell myself to calm down about two-hundred times an hour. Whenever anyone would mention it I would start again. There was just no way of stopping it. I wanted nothing more then for the day to end and when it finally did, I remember finally having time to myself where I just sat there with shut eyes trying once again to calm myself down which resulted in great failure. I do not remember how I finally came down that night and that might be because I never actually did. The next day I went out with friends and drank. I cannot lie and say I drank away my feelings, because they only got stronger with each shot. I felt more depressed as we went on. I cannot say I feel better tonight, because that is not true. The only thing holding me back from exploding is the fact that I know I will be happy once again after exactly two nights. Now take what you have read and dramatize it times 70000000000000 and you will get somewhat close to what I feel. This is how it feels to miss someone and I truly hope none of you ever has to experience it.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

borderline bipolar disorder...my excuse for life.

Thu, 20 Dec 2007 13:39:23 -0800

This will sound like shit. Oh sorry, I meant READ like shit, because deep inside it truly actually might be. I'm sure it is and that is why I have chosen to write about it.
To start off, things are bad. In the end I once again see that I can't always stand behind what I say and do what I swear I will do. I make promises to people and break them like it's no big deal. I do whats better for me, because at the end of the day it is what I desired to do in the first place and then later on I find out I only hurt myself.
I've never been good at doing certain things, so it shouldn't surprise me when I suck at them and I find no one to blame. I can't even say if I blame myself. I can't say that because I don't have it in me to say that. No, thats a lie. I have it all inside me. I have everything that I ever need to be anything I want to be and I keep learning that I'll never be anything because don't realize what I can do.

I don't understand how someone like me can even go on being. Honestly, I'm completely fucked up in so many ways. It makes me sad, but at the same time it makes me laugh. Haha, congrats...you failed at life because you have wasted so many peoples time that could have been used on anything else but what you have become. Congrats on wasting my fucking time with your stupid shit. Congrats on getting me down and making me think of dumb shit. Thanks for reminding me why I actually strive to achieve something even if it doesn't turn out the way I want.

So what if I don't do well at something? I guess I'm just not cut out for it. I can do it if I actually cared, and sometimes I don't. You can't blame me for that. I waste too much time caring for shit people don't even think about and I think those things matter more than doing well on some written test. Seriously, I could have done better if I tried, but I didn't and I admit to it. Now we can all close this page and move on with our lives, because in the end I'm better off than you anyways.