MichelleFf http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf Sun, 07 Sep 2008 18:35:47 -0700 Fuzz.com en http://www.fuzz.com/ http://www.fuzz.com/_/images/logo/blimp.png http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Medication-and-Okkervil-River http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Medication-and-Okkervil-River#comments
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And!
Okkervil river just released a bunch of new UK tour dates, a bunch of dates in November. I can’t explain how grateful I am. I can’t thank the Okkervil guys enough. I feel blessed, truly blessed. I imagine the travelling is tiring, and still they keep touring both sides of the ocean. I’d be the first to understand if they chose to stay at home instead, hiding from the rest of the world. But they don’t and no one is happier than me. I don’t know what keeps them going but I hope it’ll keep them going for a long time to come. As long as they keep going, I’ll keep following them around wherever and whenever I can.]]> Wed, 14 May 2008 04:36:36 -0700 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Medication-and-Okkervil-River http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/So-fresh-so-clean http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/So-fresh-so-clean#comments
I’m working hard on my alcoholic image. A few days ago along with Niklas and Tomas. And yesterday along with Björn, Kim and some new acquaintances. Although I’m dead tired and ridiculously hungover, I can’t give in now. We’re having a get together at our place tonight. I have to keep up the work, can’t give in, have to convince everyone I know that all I do is drink, drink, drink. Well, what else.]]> Tue, 06 May 2008 06:23:43 -0700 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/So-fresh-so-clean http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Too-much-too-soon http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Too-much-too-soon#comments It was W O N D E R F U L.

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Gosh, there’s so much going on right now! I’m surprised I haven’t had a heart attack yet. It’s waiting for me around the corner.

1. I'm having a huge house party next Saturday to celebrate the fact that I've moved in (I moved in 6 months ago but who counts) and that I've successfully renovated this apartment. I've invited over 30 of my closest friends. As you can tell, this means a lot of planning.

2. Until then, I have to finish whatever’s left to fix regarding the apartment makeover.

It's crazy! Ya know, I'll get it fixed.]]> Sat, 26 Apr 2008 03:00:56 -0700 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Too-much-too-soon http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Beirut-yuck http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Beirut-yuck#comments
And now I'm going to Paris. Let’s hope Beirut doesn’t walk around on the streets and attack us with their boring music. Ta-ra!]]> Tue, 22 Apr 2008 06:22:19 -0700 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Beirut-yuck http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Anxiety-is-freedom http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Anxiety-is-freedom#comments
On the other hand, I look fierce and I’m going to have a hot, hot date with a guy from work. And I'm going to Paris tomorrow. As if that wasn’t enough, I'm going to Bristol in a month. I guess life could be worse.]]> Tue, 22 Apr 2008 01:21:47 -0700 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Anxiety-is-freedom http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Quality-check http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Quality-check#comments
Did I have confidence in the doctors and/or the staff? No.
Was I able to influence my treatment? I didn’t receive treatment.
Did the staff respect my own knowledge regarding my illness and care? No.
How much medication did I get? Not enough.
Did I feel safe during my stay? No.
Was it the right decision to release me when they did? No, I was released too early.
Do I know where to turn if I have questions regarding my illness or my treatment? No.
How much help did I get during my time at the clinic? Little or none.
Do I have anything else to add? Yes: my time at the mental institution made me realise I better stay far away from the psychiatric care ’cause I obviously won’t get the help I need.

And that’s the quality of the psychiatric care in Sweden. Hallelujah.]]> Mon, 17 Mar 2008 07:28:55 -0700 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Quality-check http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Band-of-Horses-at-Sticky-Fingers-Gothenburg http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Band-of-Horses-at-Sticky-Fingers-Gothenburg#comments
As Ben hit the stage, sat down by his steel guitar, screaming out "If I am lost it’s only for a little while" I had to fight back the tears. Ben is ridiculously talented. It was everything I’d expected from Band of horses live: professional, heartbreaking, sweaty and not very talkative. Ben’s energy was extremely infectious, as well as his smile. It’s inspiring to see someone give it his all on stage. The mix of old and new songs were perfect. They spiced it up with three amazing covers and a (to me) unknown yet brilliant song written by the keyboardist. I don’t know what else I could’ve asked for.

The only talent I possess is that of choosing the worst place possible at concerts. I always end up with irritating people behind my back. This time it was a relatively large group of teenagers. I’m allergic to teenagers. You know, they’re barely of age and they’re ecstatic for making it through the door and celebrate it by drowning themselves in alcohol, lose the little intelligence they have and poison the entire atmosphere for everyone around them. I resent most people but if there’s one kind I loathe it’s definitely the kind that flash their stupidity for everyone to see and hear.
Yeah, I’ve been 18 too, and it wasn’t even that long ago. And yeah, I was a total train wreck but at least I had the decency to harm and annoy myself rather than my surrounding.
Anyway, I have to thank those girls for their shrilly singing (a.k.a. shrieking) out of tune and totally out of lyric. You’ll be amazed to hear what kind of lyrics they came up with. And their crying out loud for beer - as if they’d just discovered the existence of beer… Hilarious!

The last time I attended a concert in Sweden was back in December when I saw Okkervil River. An under aged girl cleverly stated that she thought you would’ve executed more in your life by the age of 30; “more” meaning more than standing at a gig, singing along and jumping for joy (I love people who think they’ve got the answers to everything, especially at the age of 17). I was kind of offended by that, even though I’m nowhere near 30. I never feel as great as when I’m faced with a musical genius, surrounded by soulmates - soulmates in the sense that they appreciate a musical genius, just like me, when they hear one. I never feel as complete as when I’m joining Morrissey’s voice along with countless other people who love him just as much as I do and we’re all stating that "Life is a pigsty". I could say more but you get the general idea. If I could spend the rest of my life at the front row at a Band of Horses gig, you bet your ass I would. You’ll find me there singing along and jumping for joy when I’m 30, 40, 50 and 60 (God willing). Perhaps I won’t execute much by my appearance, I won’t find a cure to HIV and I won’t save people from starving to death from the front row but at least I’ll find my way to happiness.

Or perhaps I should just stick to Tim Hardin and Timi Yuro to keep myself safe from annoying fans…]]> Sun, 16 Mar 2008 08:26:42 -0700 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Band-of-Horses-at-Sticky-Fingers-Gothenburg http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/The-friend-who-wasn http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/The-friend-who-wasn#comments
If one can write songs about it, I guess one can write blog posts about it.

I once had a friend. I used to think of him as the best friend possible. I turned to him when I was happy, when I was sad, when I felt lonely, when I wanted to be left alone or whatever in between. He was always there and he always had the right cure. God knows I needed it at the time. I needed him more than I loved him, I won’t deny that. We weren’t such a great match to begin with. It was a little too much “misery loves company”. But somehow, out of all this, I truly did find a friend I’ve loved more than anything.

He can say what he wants about our friendship and he can claim that it wasn’t there. I’ll claim the opposite. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone as charming or considerate. I’ve never cared more for another human being - not up until then at least. As his self-worth scattered I desperately reminded him of how much he meant to me. I wanted to give him everything he’d ever done for me in return, but I just ended up feeling unwanted and superfluous. I guess I shouldn’t have bothered, it was all ridiculously pointless. Everything I’ve ever done, every word I’ve ever said, seems like a complete waste of time ’cause all that’s left is this indifference. And I’ve never felt so cheated ever before. So… used and thrown away. So cheap.

The days spent in that bed, on that arm, meant more to me than I’ll ever be able to explain. Those words whispered and meant. That smile! I felt safe and I felt free. No hidden catch, no strings attached. I felt like I, for the first time, didn’t have to put on a mask or a charade. It’s really laughable, looking back… I guess it doesn’t matter. Whatever I’ve done, it’s clearly not enough.

I found everything I’ve ever wanted from a friend but I guess it was a silly charade after all. It’s all just imagined. And it only hurts because it’s true.]]> Thu, 28 Feb 2008 08:46:17 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/The-friend-who-wasn http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/I-don http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/I-don#comments And what happens? My dad, of all people, lets a “Panic! at the disco” slip out of his mouth. For a moment I felt like strangling him. But I couldn’t possibly. I love him too much.

In these few sentences I’ve mentioned Panic! at the disco 6 times (7 now!). Not too shabby.

But it still drives me insane, I drive myself insane. Panic! at the disco. Panic! at the disco. Panic! at the disco. See what I mean? It’s everywhere, all the time, everywhere. It’s not laughable. Please, help me.]]> Wed, 20 Feb 2008 03:27:25 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/I-don http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Bithday-kid http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Bithday-kid#comments 21, huh. I can drink as much beer as I like to in the states. Great.
So, you'll find me at Ben and Nicks in Oakland during the whole summer.]]> Thu, 31 Jan 2008 00:52:34 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Bithday-kid http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Happy-days http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Happy-days#comments
Yes, we are going to buy it tonight since I’m truly in love with it and I can’t imagine a life without it.]]> Sat, 26 Jan 2008 02:38:49 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Happy-days http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Life-is-not-a-movie http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Life-is-not-a-movie#comments
Being mentally ill isn’t very pleasant. OCD sounds like fun, but it’s just annoying. Anxiety eats you up from inside. Panic attacks are a constant threat. Isolation makes you feel lonely, not safe. Depression corrupts your mind. Paranoia drives you insane. And the list goes on. It’s a daily struggle, and that’s it. Misery, depression and suicide isn’t beautiful. If I would hang myself right now (which indeed is very tempting), Anton Corbijn wouldn’t make an amazing film about it.

The apartment is dead silent. I’m making a cup of tea. I’m trying to study literature but I end up flipping pages in Vogue instead. I’m eagerly awaiting a phone call from a mental institution. I’m staring at the watch, longing for medication time. And that’s my every day life. No glamour. Nothing exciting, nothing specific. Just… this. But maybe that’s okay.]]> Thu, 24 Jan 2008 04:11:59 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Life-is-not-a-movie http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Mistakes-and-regrets http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Mistakes-and-regrets#comments
Otherwise, It’s one of those days when I’m better off silent. So I’ll just let someone else speak for me instead. We’re better off that way.

"If I could make a list of my mistakes and regrets
I’d put your name on top and every line after it

Because every inch of hope becomes a world of shame

If you forget how to feel, reach inside your chest
Is there a heart beating, is there just emptiness?"]]> Wed, 23 Jan 2008 05:28:11 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Mistakes-and-regrets http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/The-depression-contest http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/The-depression-contest#comments
Personally, I thought I would be happy throughout Christmas now that I was able to celebrate it with my relatives after all, now that I didn’t have to celebrate it at the institution where I was placed in December. I was at home with some of the people I love the most. Still Christmas passed and I could barely go through it, I just wanted to stay in bed - which I did, I fled when the chaos was too much to handle. Looking back, I probably had unrealistic expectations. I thought everything would be great as long as I wasn’t hospitalised, I thought everything would be fine just because it’s Christmas. I should’ve learned by now that nothing’s fine just because.

Is it too much to ask for happiness? Probably. But I would settle with any sort of well-being.]]> Mon, 21 Jan 2008 12:17:37 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/The-depression-contest http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Starting-school http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Starting-school#comments
It’s been so long since my last serious try to study that I’ve had plenty of time to forget how much energy it takes. Work 12 hours a day? No problem. Going to school? Totally different. My patience can only take so much and I’m often overwhelmed by other people’s stupidity. How can I possibly focus when I’m constantly distracted by their presence and irrelevant questions? You know what I mean. It’s probably stupid of me to say, but you know you’ve asked yourself the same question at some point.

I’m going to study Swedish, which is boring but necessary. Luckily, that’s the only thing I’m going to study. For a moment I started to doubt my own decision and wondered why I didn’t apply for more study courses. But as I left school yesterday evening I suddenly remembered why: because school sucks me dry. It tears my mind apart, it robs me of my energy, it corrupts my mind. One course is more than enough for now.]]> Wed, 16 Jan 2008 07:40:04 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Starting-school http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Best-of-2007 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Best-of-2007#comments
Band of horses - Cease to begin; and here they go, proving us all that there’s plenty of talent left. Yes, I was concerned after their ridiculously brilliant album Everything all the time. I was afraid they wouldn’t live up to the expectations they brought on themselves. But they did! And then some!

LCD soundsystem - Sound of silver; this is bedroom dancing at its best. Need I say more?

Bonde do role - With lasers; it’s happiness in a nutshell, really. I missed out on their shows here in Sweden (yes, both!), but I’ve heard some amazing stories about it. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens next as the band recently confirmed that Marina Amphetamina isn’t a part of the band any longer. Anyhow, we still have With lasers and as long as we do, the party is here to stay.

Gruff Rhys - Candylion; Gruff’s Candylion is the sweetest thing I’ve heard in a long time. I had a hard time trying to decide whether or not to mention Gruff, and whether or not to mention Super furry animals. In the end, I have to say I prefer the solo songs of Gruff. He was also a part of the album Hey Venus! by Super furry animals. I do like that record, but I prefer Candylion. It simply impressed me more.

Voxtrot - Voxtrot; oh, finally a debut album! I’ve been waiting for this for soooo looooong. The album grew in my eyes (or ears, rather) as time went by. It reached its peak when I heard them live at Pusterviksbaren in Gothenburg - where most people had never heard of them. I had a word or two with the band after the show and we talked about their upcoming show in Stockholm. However, there never was a show in Stockholm ’cause Voxtrot decided they’d much rather go on tour with Arctic monkeys and ditch us with the words “These will be the last Voxtrot shows for a long time!” I still haven’t forgiven them. And Steven is the worst song I’ve ever heard.

The Lovemakers - Misery Loves Company; I don’t know what I would’ve done or where I’d be without this record. It helped me through my rough times and I’ll forever be grateful for that. If you ever get your heart broken, keep this record on repeat.

Babyshambles - Shotter’s nation; Pete gained weight and I could care less ’cause the music is great.

Here’s a short list of the best songs, all according to me, in no particular order:

The Lovemakers - Save Me
The Lovemakers - Misery Loves Company (including the video, it's awesome)
Band of Horses - Is There a Ghost
SHITDISCO - Lover Of Others
Justice vs. Simian - We Are Your Friends
Nelly Furtado - Say It Right
Arctic Monkeys - Do Me a Favour

I don’t want to hear anything more from My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco or Jamie T.

Best shows? Shout Out Louds live at Debaser Medis, no doubt about that. Ratatat at Chalmers. Voxtrot at Pustervik. Regina Spektor at Way Out West. Kanye West at Accelerator. CSS was quite an experience as well, Lovefoxxx decided to stagedive and dove her ass right in my face! Oh yes, 2007 was a great year.

So, finally, what’s left to look forward to? First off, I’ll get to see Band of Horses for the first time as they are coming to Sticky Fingers in Gothenburg. Shearwater’s new album, titled Rock, will be released this year. Destroyer are recording as we’re speaking. And didn’t we hear something about Morrissey as well?]]> Mon, 14 Jan 2008 01:06:00 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Best-of-2007 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Getting-things-done http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Getting-things-done#comments
Anyway. I got my hands on Anton Corbijn’s Control today. Maybe I’ll let myself have a chill pill, be less manic and stay at home with this film instead. Sounds like a plan. Unfortunately, I’m way, way, way too stressed out to enjoy The New Pornographers tonight at Debaser. And to be honest, I’m still sad over the fact that Dan Bejar won’t be there. Control isn’t such a bad substitute. I’m sure I’ll love it. At least it’s a nice way to keep my mind on other things and avoid that heart attack that seems to be getting closer and closer as I tend to think about yesterday far more often than what’s healthy.

I never claimed my strategy to be perfect.]]> Sun, 02 Dec 2007 11:08:21 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Getting-things-done http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Reflecting http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Reflecting#comments To quote Morrissey.

2 days left and I think I’m having a nervous breakdown.]]> Thu, 29 Nov 2007 01:48:14 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Reflecting http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Gavin-Watson http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Gavin-Watson#comments
I fell in love with a photography (called “Norma meet Kelley, Kelley meet Norma”) portraying a young girl standing face to face with a poster of Marilyn Monroe. I would do anything to be in that picture. I would do anything to read her mind. Her face reveals absolutely nothing. It haunts me. Nick asked Gavin about the photograph and he told us all about it. He said it was taken when he got a tattoo (he showed us the remains of a little star in the palm of his hand). His girlfriend Kelley joined him and he was simply taking photos of her at the tattooist’s place. He said he would’ve liked to be able to say that he staged the photograph, that it took him a long time to get the set perfect. But it wasn’t like that. It was just a photo of his girlfriend. There’s nothing more to it. According to him, it was just something he snapped. To me, it’s a work of art. I have a hard time dealing with the fact that this amazing photograph is nothing more than a coincidence.

That’s actually the story behind most of his pictures. While most people look at these photos and see something private and intimate, Gavin shrugs and says it’s just pictures of his friends. Isn’t that the best part of the story? Here’s a young man with a camera, growing up in what seems to be hell on earth, taking pictures of his daily life, years later being told that he is responsible for one of the most important photographic documents of his time. He didn’t plan to document a misunderstood culture, he just wanted to document his ordinary, everyday life.

Gavin says it all: “I hope you enjoy the images and take them for what they are - photos of young kids. Growing up. That’s it. Taken by a young kid growing up. The climate has changed and I feel most people with any suss realise that skinheads were never really a threat to world peace. It’s just another youth cult.”

Leaving The Color Place, I felt this massive happiness. Two weeks on and the feeling isn’t gone.]]> Fri, 23 Nov 2007 05:56:36 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/Gavin-Watson http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/All-sad-feelings-will-be-taken-out http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/All-sad-feelings-will-be-taken-out#comments
I turn to Band of Horses very deliberately. I’ve heard their songs over a hundred times and it still rings true. With lyrics such as “It's looking like a limb torn off, or altogether just taken apart. We're reeling through an endless fall, we are the ever-living ghost of what once was” and ”At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral" Band of Horses make me speechless. They touch the deepest of my nerves. Unwittingly, they’ve helped me through a lot.

AND THEY'RE COMING TO SWEDEN, IN MARCH, ALL THE WAY FROM SEATTLE!

Band of Horses is a lifelong love. This is my modest way to say you should listen to them and adore them. That’s all.]]> Wed, 21 Nov 2007 01:30:50 -0800 http://www.fuzz.com/fan/MichelleFf/blog/entry/All-sad-feelings-will-be-taken-out