MichelleFf

While packing for ATP it seems half of my suitcase is filled up with medicines. I don’t like it. I don’t like them. I hardly remember when to take them and how to take them. They make me extremely tired. And what’s worse, they’ve made me lose lots and lots of weight. On the other hand, they’ve worked miracles with my overall wellbeing. And so I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m stuck with these medicines for a very long time to come. As any other self-conscious patient I’d like to think that I’m better off the meds, that it’s all just a misunderstanding, that I’m really fine. But I’ve proved myself wrong too many times. I’m done fucking up. For once, I won’t let vanity stand in the way of my wellbeing.

---

And!
Okkervil river just released a bunch of new UK tour dates, a bunch of dates in November. I can’t explain how grateful I am. I can’t thank the Okkervil guys enough. I feel blessed, truly blessed. I imagine the travelling is tiring, and still they keep touring both sides of the ocean. I’d be the first to understand if they chose to stay at home instead, hiding from the rest of the world. But they don’t and no one is happier than me. I don’t know what keeps them going but I hope it’ll keep them going for a long time to come. As long as they keep going, I’ll keep following them around wherever and whenever I can.

“It’s days like these I want to watch Withnail & I just to see that there are people who are feeling worse than me.” -Me, earlier today.

I’m working hard on my alcoholic image. A few days ago along with Niklas and Tomas. And yesterday along with Björn, Kim and some new acquaintances. Although I’m dead tired and ridiculously hungover, I can’t give in now. We’re having a get together at our place tonight. I have to keep up the work, can’t give in, have to convince everyone I know that all I do is drink, drink, drink. Well, what else.

I still cannot speak French but I miss Paris so much it hurts.
It was W O N D E R F U L.

---

Gosh, there’s so much going on right now! I’m surprised I haven’t had a heart attack yet. It’s waiting for me around the corner.

1. I'm having a huge house party next Saturday to celebrate the fact that I've moved in (I moved in 6 months ago but who counts) and that I've successfully renovated this apartment. I've invited over 30 of my closest friends. As you can tell, this means a lot of planning.

2. Until then, I have to finish whatever’s left to fix regarding the apartment makeover.

It's crazy! Ya know, I'll get it fixed.

I don’t like Beirut. It’s a very principled decision I’ve made. Here’s the reason. Beirut were filmed for a take away show in Paris when Will and Travis (from Okkervil River) were asked if they’d like to do a duet with Beirut. It turned out it wasn’t a duet. Beirut stole the show. Travis told the fans “If we would have known that we were just going to play on one of their songs we would have said no”. Then it turns out that Beirut will be playing at Way Out West, a festival in Sweden, Gothenburg I plan to attend. I immediately tried to come up with a plan of how to best avoid Beirut and all their fans. Beirut are one of those bands that get lots of praise for doing absolutely nothing and they get lots of fans even though they’re no good, I don’t see why. The problem solved itself now that Beirut has cancelled. No one is happier than me!

And now I'm going to Paris. Let’s hope Beirut doesn’t walk around on the streets and attack us with their boring music. Ta-ra!

I’m sitting here biting my nails to bits and pieces. I’ve got a huge test coming up. Tonight! I’m trying to convince myself that it’s okay if I don’t do perfect. I’m trying to believe that no one expects me to be perfect. But seriously, who am I kidding? When you stop striving for perfection you might as well be dead, and so on. I’m very forgiving when it comes to friends and relatives, even strangers. But when it comes to myself I’m ridiculously harsh. First of all, it’s a compulsory test I should’ve done years ago when I still was in high school and I can’t believe I was so stupid I fucked up school back then, I could’ve saved myself these years. Second of all, if I don’t do well I won’t be able to finish this course and then I’ll have to wait another 6 months until I’m able to try again. See, the world is on my shoulders! I can’t screw this up. I’m so afraid of failing that I almost give up before I even begin.

On the other hand, I look fierce and I’m going to have a hot, hot date with a guy from work. And I'm going to Paris tomorrow. As if that wasn’t enough, I'm going to Bristol in a month. I guess life could be worse.