Maureen

Dang. I guess technically I was born at 6:26pm Eastern time, so I can be 40 for a few more hours. As if 40 is so great. It's just that 41 moves you toward, uh, 50. That's fucking old. Sorry to anyone reading this that's 50 or more.

Typical day today--got divorced this morning, went to work, made spaghetti for dinner, played Dora bingo and relapsed on cigarettes. Went 23 days without smoking. I'll hop back on it tomorrow with the patch and the gum. Now I know I can do it. Plus it's totally gross to smoke now. I didn't realize how stinky it was. But I have to figure out some way to replace those staring out the window, staring at the sky moments that were reserved for cigarettes.

So I haven't been on the site much lately, which is very odd for me. Life has been an overflowing inbox of late. I have wanted to claim email bankruptcy--delete all my messages and start over again--but you know, there's those little things you might need or that might be good for work (Fuzz) or whatever.

It was exactly a year ago I first went out to San Francisco and met everyone at Fuzz for the first time. I love my job, I love my new boss, I love what we're doing. I don't feel like I punch in and give someone 8 hours and then punch out and return to my life. It is whole--work and life integrated into who I am. That is what I always wanted.

Despite my declining years, I have to look back and see how much I already got to tick off my Life "To Do Before I Die" list. I got to play in a rock band, I got to travel the world, I got to be a writer, I got to work in the entertainment business. I still have to finish the book I started when I turned 30 called "Thirty". I may want to re-think the title.

My 30th birthday: 1996. Another typical day, but 11 years ago: boyfriend dropped me off at work at my ad agency job after quitting my band a month prior. Came home from work to find that my boyfriend had moved out of my apartment without a word, then I went to dinner with a friend and there was a leak in the ceiling of the restaurant that leaked only directly on my head. My life was all wrong and the leak was the moment I got the idea to write a book. Soon after that I started writing professionally.

So things are better now. I'm here--and everything--even the bad stuff has been useful. I try to remember that when new bad stuff drops by. It always visits with new treats.

The only thing I wanted to be when I grew up was a writer. And here I am writing, so there you have it--I've realized my lifelong dream. So now I have to figure out what to do with the remaining 30 or 40 years. If I can truly quit smoking it may be longer. That may give me enough time to finish that damn book.

Your mind plays tricks on you, you play tricks back. That's my mantra.

Good night to all my Fuzz friends.