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I will never eat Chinese food again + clouds make me cry
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I had a super emotional weekend that I was totally unprepared for. My roommate is one of my four family members, for all intensive purposes. His best friend from college, Lance, is like my big brother. Lance and his partner Ray live in Florida. I love them both very much. They come out to SF about 3-4 times a year to visit my roommate and I.
Lance's mum recently passed away. This weekend Lance and Ray came to do all of the funeral and wake rituals here in SF, where the family is. My roommate performed the ceremony when the family scattered her ashes. Lance and I had many talks about being THERE when a loved one dies. I was at my grandfather's side when he passed away. It makes you question all of your thoughts and priorities of life, death, time, beliefs, etc.
Lance is a catty as half native american, half mexican gay guy. His sister has 6 kids, and all 6 of those kids have several children already. It was a totally different world. I felt like there was this completely different universe going on where having babies at age 16, then another at 17, etc was totally normal, and my world of PhD, vintage furniture, etc, was totally weird and unknown. I felt like I was back in high school where I was the one that did not belong. I realized how I have totally surrounded myself with other freaks just like myself, and how the "real" world is not like THAT. What is the "real" world, how is that shit even defined? Meanwhile, Lance is telling me how he barely had made up for the 37 years of not talking to his mum, of the death rattle you hear before some one goes, of "moving up" since he now the "top" generation. I can not even explain all my thoughts.
We went to Chinese food that night at Lance's request. My roommate and I spent the last two days home sick from work cursing him, hot and sour soup and general's chicken.
Today I was driving to work, still feeling crap. I was missing my friend Calyx in the UK so badly. I looked up at the sky, and watched the clouds moving, the sun barely shining through. I thought of all the people who had looked at them before me, my idol Ian Curtis, my grandparents, Lance's mum. I felt so small and stupid and inconsequential.
Lance's mum recently passed away. This weekend Lance and Ray came to do all of the funeral and wake rituals here in SF, where the family is. My roommate performed the ceremony when the family scattered her ashes. Lance and I had many talks about being THERE when a loved one dies. I was at my grandfather's side when he passed away. It makes you question all of your thoughts and priorities of life, death, time, beliefs, etc.
Lance is a catty as half native american, half mexican gay guy. His sister has 6 kids, and all 6 of those kids have several children already. It was a totally different world. I felt like there was this completely different universe going on where having babies at age 16, then another at 17, etc was totally normal, and my world of PhD, vintage furniture, etc, was totally weird and unknown. I felt like I was back in high school where I was the one that did not belong. I realized how I have totally surrounded myself with other freaks just like myself, and how the "real" world is not like THAT. What is the "real" world, how is that shit even defined? Meanwhile, Lance is telling me how he barely had made up for the 37 years of not talking to his mum, of the death rattle you hear before some one goes, of "moving up" since he now the "top" generation. I can not even explain all my thoughts.
We went to Chinese food that night at Lance's request. My roommate and I spent the last two days home sick from work cursing him, hot and sour soup and general's chicken.
Today I was driving to work, still feeling crap. I was missing my friend Calyx in the UK so badly. I looked up at the sky, and watched the clouds moving, the sun barely shining through. I thought of all the people who had looked at them before me, my idol Ian Curtis, my grandparents, Lance's mum. I felt so small and stupid and inconsequential.
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posted on Oct 9 at 12:34 pm
The last paragraph of this whole thing is probably the missing part of what's going to devour me today.