SHE gay, HE gay…they ALL gay
I’ve spent more time than really should be necessary discussing how I’m not a lesbian with…mostly lesbians–and TV people. An agent in New York once told me that “I think the reason people think you’re a lesbian is because you seem smart and you don’t really put off a sexual vibe,” (according to him, a gay male). So, smart and not sexy=TV lesbian. That was when I learned to start every meeting with “Hi nice to meet you, I’m Lauren and by the way…cock, yum yum yum.”
Then I couldn’t even get cast in the lesbian parts for TV–I wasn’t hot enough for the hot lesbian and not fat enough for the funny lesbian. Who do you have to fuck in this town to get a lesbian part! A woman, I guess.
The Pittsburgh gay pride people asked me to ride in a convertible for their gay pride parade–I don’t mean to brag. I told them that I would if it was okay that I carried my “Fags Burn in Hell” sign and wore my Baby Fetus Plushy Costume that I like to wear to all parades and “baby’s first birthday parties”. They responded with an “oh you hilarious dyke, you!” email. So then I had to do what I’m forced to do 4 times a day–scream “I’M NOT A LESBIAN”, punch the wall, then watch 20 minutes of girl on girl porn.
I saw a lesbian punch a wall once and now I associate it with being a lady lover. Someone from Brazil needs to punch the wall in front of me so I can have a new association.
When I was on “The Daily Show”, I had one die hard fan in Brooklyn who wanted to start a website called “Chicks Who Dig Chicks Who Dig Weedie M” but she never got it together and got it up. Which was frustrating to have such a passionate yet lazy fan. Everybody else had stalkers and would receive little gifts in the mail. I just kept getting long letters from her asking me if I ever wore tube socks to bed.
I’d love to be a lesbian because it’s true–they do get so much done in a day. I don’t do anything; I just sit around thinking, “Oh, my boyfriend will wash the dishes.” It’s odd because the boyfriend will wash the dishes but not all of them. He always leaves 4 items unwashed, which is symbolic because he’s sort of half a lady–emotional and delicate like a lady man but rough and angry like a Brooklyn street kid.
The other night he screamed and grabbed his heart because he thought he hadn’t made a salad for dinner and it turned out he did.
So, I’m basically in a lesbian relationship. Or a gay male relationship. He does love Project Runway with a fierce passion and gets almost violent when he’s interrupted while watching it. “Not now! They’re judging!!! Just hold on!” He yells then he picks up his mug of tea and slurps it with a pinkie out to the side.
Which I can relate to–whenever anyone interrupts me when I’m watching Ani DiFranco in concert on DVD, I punch them–then the wall. Or vice versa.
Weedman was a correspondent on “The Daily Show” with Jon Stewart and lived in New York City right up to the time the Iraq war started. During the Gulf War she lived in Amsterdam and learned Dutch and did odd theatre. When the Iran contra thing was happening she was growing up in Indiana listening to Bowie and Costello. After Kurt died she moved to Seattle and lived there for five years as a writer/performer. She is most well-known for her AWARD winning self absorbed solo shows. Her book, A Woman Trapped in a Woman’s Body, was recently named by the Kirkus Book review as a “Top 10 Indie Book of 2007”. Now she lives in Los Angeles and has had a dreary day appearing on “Curb Your Enthusiasm” and played “hysterical woman” on several episodes of “Reno 911”.
www.laurenweedman.net