The Fix

A“maze”ing Venice

What a life, eh…buggering around the world twanging a guitar for a living–but don’t get the impression there’s that much glamour involved. The reality is somewhat different, as I’ll explain.

You know we’ve all seen those glitzy videos featuring Duran Duran, with our heroes surrounded by dolly birds, quaffing champagne while sunning themselves down Caribbean Way on a boat named Rio. If the clips were an honest depiction of “life on the road,” the majority of the footage would be shot either in an airport departure lounge or some sleazy dressing room with graffitied cocks covering the walls. It’s been the same of course for bands going right back to the Beatles–in fact some of the backstage scrawlings were possibly done by the Beatles (and if that’s the case then the guilty party would be Ringo as for some reason or other it’s always the drummer!).

Glamour? On the road? Not a lot. In fact, during our numerous European tours I have notched up four visits to Venice prior to the one we made this week, but somehow the band had managed to avoid seeing any of the city’s famed waterways as the gigs we played were mostly situated in dodgy clubs on the mainland. In reality there are two Venices…the one we usually get sent to and the other one with all those canals with their gondolas manned by hunks in stripy shirts singing “Santa Lucia” and the like.

So on our trip to Italy this week I insisted on a sightseeing trip to the scenic bit of Venice and we found that (as anyone who’s been there will tell you) in some ways Venice is in actual fact the World’s biggest maze–ludicrously difficult to find your way about with all those canals, alleyways and bridges that are admittedly beautiful, but nigh identical to each other. We reckoned during one brainstorming session over the map that it would take you something like a year to learn the blasted layout!

There is one sure way of finding one’s way from A to B without getting lost though, and that is by jumping aboard one of the numerous buses that zip around the islands. Now we’re not talking normal buses here, but the water variety which are navigated about the waterways in the same lunatic way that Italians drive their cars–except of course there are bugger-all roads to be had in Venice: absolutely no SUVs, Hummers, Ferraris or anything in fact with wheels. It’s veritably an eco-warriors paradise–even the beer and bog rolls are transported in by barge. Just watching the pilots of these boats was thoroughly entertaining as they somehow manage to avoid collisions by inches in the cramped waterways they have to negotiate. The buses don’t hang around at the embarkment points either…you have summon up some courage and jump aboard sharpish or you might end up in the briny!

Of course being one of the wonders of the world Venice is absolutely overflowing with tourists (including my good self of course…guilty as charged)–but it is still possible to find some cool off-the-beaten-track stuff if you avoid the hot spots like St. Mark’s Square. My fave was the Cimetiere, with the waters of the Lagoon lapping up against the red brick walled graveyard of this amazing “Isle of the Dead” (with apologies to Rachmaninov) which is only reachable by boat. It was a much needed and delightful sea of tranquility and I found myself fascinated by the rows of nuns’ graves all sporting a picture of the deceased in full regalia. Quite moving in its way as–whatever your point of view–these ladies gave up all that hanging out with blokes and having kids stuff for a Lord who may or may not exist. Some might say they wasted their lives on a load of old mumbo jumbo (I couldn’t possibly comment), but as long as they got something out of all that abstinence and praying good luck to them, eh?

Venice is unique, a place you simply have to experience…there’s nowhere like it on Earth but at risk of sounding like a prole I found that one day was just about enough for me as it all gets a bit samey after a while.

So for your travelling muso chum it was a great day off in the jolly old touring schedule…in fact I enjoyed myself so much it’s got me thinking–next time I’m in New York I’m going to make a point of seeing some of those really tall buildings I’ve heard so much about!

Pip pip,
Captain S.

The worst joke I’ve hear this week…

What’s the difference between a dachshund and a door to door salesman?

One bawls out his wares–and the other……

Good-bye bio-diesel

Can I say how pleased I was to hear that the Bush government has gone cold on all that daft bio-diesel tosh…I mean–how stupid was THAT for an idea? At a time when the people in certain countries are desperate for food, were we seriously proposing using a large proportion of the planet’s precious farmland to grow crops for conversion into fuel for motor vehicles?

Of course it would be the poor countries that suffered most from the inevitable food price rises and shortages, so it is good news that this whole lunatic bio-diesel nonsense is being consigned to the dustbin of history.

And this being in the news the same week as it has been announced that the troops will soon be coming back from Iraq AND at long last there are going to be some proper gun control laws introduced in this country…

Now, of course by this point most of you will probably have glanced around the room to check the date and it is with regret that I have to inform you that your hunch is correct–and it is indeed April Fools’ Day, where the most outrageous lies and untruths are told as a jolly jape, at the expense of anyone gullible enough to fall for it!

April 1st has long been the excuse for the odd prank or two–back in 1982 residents of Hong Kong (which was suffering a water shortage at the time) were informed by the South China Morning Post that powdered water was going to be distributed as a back up measure. Now, that’s got to be just about a perfect April Fools’ stunt, but radio stations were apparently inundated with calls asking where to get hold of it!

And a few years ago the BBC got in on the act with a news item telling the impressionable Brits about the failure of that year’s Italian spaghetti crop, including hoax footage showing strands of the stuff hanging from trees–and indeed, a lot of people in the UK were taken in, hook, line and sinker.

Now, it’s debatable whether this says more about the public’s ignorance about where their food comes from (and about how many of us have witnessed the joys of an abattoir in full swing) than it says about how easy it is for media organizations to pull the wool over our eyes. But, there are whole industries that are banking on the fact that there is one born every minute…otherwise they might find themselves rapidly out of a job. I’m not just talking about advertising agencies here, but also those fine institutions that are the tobacco and junk food businesses. I mean, you’d have to be well versed in the dark arts of deception to get large proportions of the population to put their hands in their pockets and pay handsomely for things that could very likely end up killing them, wouldn’t you!?

But of course, the greatest experts at misinformation and fact twisting to get their own ends are our dear politicians…and none better than the current occupants of the White House, for even if they may not be able to fool ALL of the people all of the time, they have certainly fooled ENOUGH of the people when it counted to allow them to pursue some thoroughly unpleasant policies at home and abroad.

So there you go, that’s April Fools’ Day for you–but I must add that unless we hear some fresh ideas coming out of Washington after the impending presidential election we will not only be April fools…but May, June, July and every other bloody month for at least the next 4 years!

Pip pip,
Captain S.

Captain Sensible is the guitarist of rabble rousers the Damned who kick started the UK punk scene of 1977 along with the Clash and the Sex Pistols, with whom they shared many a stage. Highly rated examples of the Damned on vinyl are “Damned Damned Damned” and “Machine Gun Etiquette”, the latter of which combined their rifftastic version of punk rock with a generous dollop of pysychedelia–a common theme in Mr. Sensible’s work. Mr. S also had a successful (if unlikely) solo career in the ’80s and toured the USA as a rap artist (I kid you not…) when his single “Wot” found itself high in the Billboard Dance Charts. He recently formed his own political organisation, The Blah! Party, as a direct result of Tony Blair’s warmongering. Captain is still touring with the Damned who are planning some recording soon–so if there’s any labels out there……
www.captainsensible.com