Intervention
Last night on cable, I watched an exciting episode of “Intervention”, the incredible program that shows some drug addict taking a bunch of drugs for almost the whole show until the drug addict’s entire family shows up at his house, bangs on his door, and starts crying and telling him how he is a drug addict and they are not getting off his lawn until he gets into the weird van that’s in the driveway.
The drug addict on last night’s episode was named Jason and his favorite thing in the whole world was to shoot up cocaine while wearing a pair of camouflage shorts and a baseball hat that was turned to the side in a manner that suggested he is the kind of guy who is not exactly opposed to good times. When he wasn’t shooting up cocaine in his fun hat, Jason was drinking from a big red plastic cup just like the kind you get at Pizza Hut, only instead of being filled with Dr. Pepper or something, it was filled with vodka or whatever else that damn drug addict could get his hands on. When he wasn’t drinking from the big Pizza Hut cup, Jason was talking on the phone with his drug addict friends. He called them “dude” and “bro” and told them how things were going to be “really awesome” just as soon as they got their hands on some more drugs, which ended up happening right after the next commercial.
In between shots of Jason taking drugs, drinking from the big Pizza Hut cup, or talking to his druggie friends about drugs, they showed interviews with Jason’s four sisters, most of whom appeared to be addicted to highlights and wanted Jason to not be a total drug addict anymore–except for Jason’s youngest sister Joy, that is, who explained that she was “just not a worrier.” Later in the show, they showed Joy snorting a big pile cocaine off the back of a toilet, and, boy, did that explain a lot. Sometimes they would interview Jason too and he would go on and on about how incredible cocaine is and also how his mother is a lesbian who moved to Florida.
After another commercial break, Jason’s whole family was sitting in a room with some lady named Candy who was all business. Even Jason’s mom was there and she was getting all worked up about things like only a lesbian from Florida can. Then Jason walked into the room in his crazy funtime hat and couldn’t for the life of him figure out what was going on even though all he or anyone else could talk about up until that point in the show was how much he loved cocaine and drinking from the big Pizza Hut cup. Then that Candy lady was all like “Jason, you don’t know me but I think you’re damn drug addict!” Then everyone started to cry and blow their noses. The next thing he knew, Jason was shipped off to rehab where he wrote a bad song on the piano about Jesus and also got his lip pierced. As it turned out, Candy was able to talk Jason’s sister Joy into going to rehab too, which worked out great because when they checked in with her three months later her hair looked incredible.
Whores on Cable
Last night on cable I watched another exciting episode of “Cathouse: The Series”, the incredible show that chronicles the life and times of a bunch of people that work at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, which is a totally legal whorehouse located somewhere in the awesome state of Nevada. As you can probably imagine, the show pretty much consists of a bunch of whores hanging out and talking about what it’s like to live in the whorehouse and be a whore all the time. I would like to point out that when I say whore, I don’t use the word in a derogatory fashion either. These women are literally people who have sex for money, which is awesome.
Joining the whores at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch is a sort of Hugh Hefner kind of guy who is also fat and bald, which for some reason seems to add to the effect of him being a decadent and fun-loving yet quick-tempered guy who is the boss of whores. They all seem to have a lot of fun together, the whores and their boss, sitting on each others’ laps, getting really drunk, and talking about how fun it is to be together at the whorehouse all the time, just like one big happy family. Sometimes the camera will show the whores in their bedrooms getting ready to bone some guy who has driven all the way out into the middle of the desert to have sex with them, which is great. More often than not, the guy paying to have sex with the whore has a mustache and is wearing a pair of Dockers, the popular casual pant. The whore and the guy with the mustache sit and giggle for a few minutes while discussing exactly what he is going to get for a few hundred bucks and then the next thing you know the camera cuts away and we are left to wonder about all the good times they must be having together. Then the camera will show some other whore splashing around in a swimming pool, playing with a hula hoop, or jumping around on a trampoline, which only serves to further illustrate the fact that it’s good times all the time when you live in a whorehouse.
Also last night on the really good show “Cathouse: The Series”, they showed the whores drinking whiskey from penis-shaped shot glasses and–as you can probably imagine–the whores just laughed and laughed the whole time, as if getting drunk weren’t enough fun already. It was kind of like when you happen upon a roving bachelorette party and all the girls are really wasted and giggly and sipping pina coladas from penis-shaped straws while asking you to use their camera to take a picture of them that is not only hilarious, but one that they will all want copies of and with good reason. They want to remember this night forever even if they dare not speak of it again in front of their loved ones, significant others, or anyone else they don’t want to know how much they think that drinking from penis-shaped straws is a recipe for instant good times.
Sometimes I wonder what all the whores do when the cameras are off and they are faced with a bit of downtime at that whorehouse of theirs. Is it still all fun and games or do they just hang out and smoke menthol cigarettes while dreaming of the day when they’ll get to pack up their fake boobs and tattered lingerie and not live in a whorehouse anymore? And when they do leave, will they promise to call up the fat bald guy who runs the place once in a while just to say hello? I hope so. He seems nice.