The Fix

A“maze”ing Venice

What a life, eh…buggering around the world twanging a guitar for a living–but don’t get the impression there’s that much glamour involved. The reality is somewhat different, as I’ll explain.

You know we’ve all seen those glitzy videos featuring Duran Duran, with our heroes surrounded by dolly birds, quaffing champagne while sunning themselves down Caribbean Way on a boat named Rio. If the clips were an honest depiction of “life on the road,” the majority of the footage would be shot either in an airport departure lounge or some sleazy dressing room with graffitied cocks covering the walls. It’s been the same of course for bands going right back to the Beatles–in fact some of the backstage scrawlings were possibly done by the Beatles (and if that’s the case then the guilty party would be Ringo as for some reason or other it’s always the drummer!).

Glamour? On the road? Not a lot. In fact, during our numerous European tours I have notched up four visits to Venice prior to the one we made this week, but somehow the band had managed to avoid seeing any of the city’s famed waterways as the gigs we played were mostly situated in dodgy clubs on the mainland. In reality there are two Venices…the one we usually get sent to and the other one with all those canals with their gondolas manned by hunks in stripy shirts singing “Santa Lucia” and the like.

So on our trip to Italy this week I insisted on a sightseeing trip to the scenic bit of Venice and we found that (as anyone who’s been there will tell you) in some ways Venice is in actual fact the World’s biggest maze–ludicrously difficult to find your way about with all those canals, alleyways and bridges that are admittedly beautiful, but nigh identical to each other. We reckoned during one brainstorming session over the map that it would take you something like a year to learn the blasted layout!

There is one sure way of finding one’s way from A to B without getting lost though, and that is by jumping aboard one of the numerous buses that zip around the islands. Now we’re not talking normal buses here, but the water variety which are navigated about the waterways in the same lunatic way that Italians drive their cars–except of course there are bugger-all roads to be had in Venice: absolutely no SUVs, Hummers, Ferraris or anything in fact with wheels. It’s veritably an eco-warriors paradise–even the beer and bog rolls are transported in by barge. Just watching the pilots of these boats was thoroughly entertaining as they somehow manage to avoid collisions by inches in the cramped waterways they have to negotiate. The buses don’t hang around at the embarkment points either…you have summon up some courage and jump aboard sharpish or you might end up in the briny!

Of course being one of the wonders of the world Venice is absolutely overflowing with tourists (including my good self of course…guilty as charged)–but it is still possible to find some cool off-the-beaten-track stuff if you avoid the hot spots like St. Mark’s Square. My fave was the Cimetiere, with the waters of the Lagoon lapping up against the red brick walled graveyard of this amazing “Isle of the Dead” (with apologies to Rachmaninov) which is only reachable by boat. It was a much needed and delightful sea of tranquility and I found myself fascinated by the rows of nuns’ graves all sporting a picture of the deceased in full regalia. Quite moving in its way as–whatever your point of view–these ladies gave up all that hanging out with blokes and having kids stuff for a Lord who may or may not exist. Some might say they wasted their lives on a load of old mumbo jumbo (I couldn’t possibly comment), but as long as they got something out of all that abstinence and praying good luck to them, eh?

Venice is unique, a place you simply have to experience…there’s nowhere like it on Earth but at risk of sounding like a prole I found that one day was just about enough for me as it all gets a bit samey after a while.

So for your travelling muso chum it was a great day off in the jolly old touring schedule…in fact I enjoyed myself so much it’s got me thinking–next time I’m in New York I’m going to make a point of seeing some of those really tall buildings I’ve heard so much about!

Pip pip,
Captain S.

The worst joke I’ve hear this week…

What’s the difference between a dachshund and a door to door salesman?

One bawls out his wares–and the other……